Dating Advice

Meet Mrs. Devora Alouf our Matchmaker and Love Coach


Mrs. Devora AloufMrs. Devora Alouf, our counselor and Chief Matchmaker, oversees and manages the entire Matchmaking network by employing her years of experience, her talents and boundless energy. She ensures that all members receive a excellent service. Devora is always available to answer questions, and help people on an individual basis should her assistance be requested. Devora has appeared on numerous radio, TV, and Newspapers worldwide.

Devora is also the founder and force behind Jewish Singles With Special Needs.

You can reach Mrs. Devora Alouf at devora@jmatch.com


 

 

Practical Advice for Jewish Singles


There are many fish in the sea. There is no one and only Mr. or Mrs. Right and no perfect person, only real people, with real imperfections. Finding love means being open to many possibilities and making compromises.

You have to climb the mountain if you want to enjoy the view. Take reasonable risks and try new ideas. It is only a matter of time, patience and persistence before success comes.

Resist the temptation to reveal too much about your personal life too soon.

Avoid discussing with strangers about your real age, income, your ex-relationships, horrible dates, mishaps, legal problems, your psychiatrist. You never know how this information will be used.

Discuss the future, the possibility for friendship, tell him/her about the ideal qualities, relationship, family that you might be interested in the future. Listen carefully to his/her reaction.

Keep distance from other single friends who had bad relationships. They will tell you all if you will just listen, it is spread poison.

Don’t be picky - you will never find a perfect emotional, intellectual and physical match. You are facing hardship, disappointment. Instead, be selective: look for family values, integrity, compassion, commitment, intelligence, etc..

 


 

 

I am proud to be Jewish!


Alarmed and very concerned by the statistics of intermarriage and the threat for the survival of the Jewish people in the Diaspora, I have taken a firm stand and started a Jewish dating service in order to attract Jewish singles that are committed not to marry out of the Jewish faith.

17 years later I am much encouraged, seeing thousands of Jewish singles who joined our dating site (www.jmatch.com) making love connections, finding their Jewish partners, their REAL soulmates, getting married and building Jewish families.

Our singles have an appreciation of the beauty and depth of Judaism and desire to preserve a wealth of knowledge and wisdom by choosing Jewish partners. I invite you to join our personalized matchmaking service and read about our success stories.

Read what our members have to say about Jewish Pride, Jewish Values, loving kindness, Tikun Olam, love for Israel and the Jewish people, the desire to reconnect to our roots, our rich heritage and be part of the unbroken chain Adei Ad. (Forever)


“The Lord hath done great things with us; we are rejoiced.”

Psalm 126:3

 


 

 

Spread Your Wings and Fly


“I bore you on eagles’ wings… You shall be mine own “Segulah” (treasure).”
Exodus 19:4-5


Many years ago, a man was walking in the forest when he found a young eagle. He took the bird home with him and put it in his farmyard. The eagle quickly learned to eat chicken feed and to behave like the chickens on the farm. One day a zoologist happened to pass by. He asked the owner, “How did it happen that of all birds, the king of the skies is in captivity in the yard together with the chickens?”

The owner of the farm replied, “Since I gave it chicken feed and trained it to be a chicken, it never learned to fly.” He added. “It acts like a chicken, and therefore it no longer is an eagle.” “Nevertheless,” the researcher insisted,” it has the heart of an eagle, and it certainly could learn to fly.”

After the two of them talked about this, they decided to examine who is right. The researcher gently lifted the eagle up and said, “Your place is in the skies and not on the earth. Spread your wings and fly!” The eagle became confused, and didn’t know what its identity was. When it saw the chickens eating their feed it jumped down to rejoin them.

The researcher did not give up. The following day he brought the eagle to the roof of the house. Once again he urged it, “You are an eagle. Spread your wings and fly! “But the eagle was afraid of the new identity the researcher attempted to give it. Once again it jumped down to rejoin the chickens. On the third day, early in the morning, the researcher took the eagle out of the courtyard to a high hill, where he raised the king of the skies above his head, and once again encouraged it to fly. “You are an eagle. Your place is both in the skies and on earth. Now spread your wings and fly.”

The eagle looked around, down to the farmyard and up to the skies, but it still did not fly. Then the researcher lifted the eagle up to the sun. The bird began to tremble. Slowly, it spread its wings, and finally, it rose up with a cry of triumph and flew away.

It is possible that the eagle misses the chickens. It is possible that it even visits the farmyard from time to time. But as far as we know, it never went back to live like the chickens. It was an eagle, even though it was raised like a chicken.
(James Agro)

You need to be aware of your own inner soul to find your soulmate. Develop your human potentials and be aware of your unique Jewish identity. Accept yourself, do not blur your identity by comparing yourself to Hollywood images. Develop your own inner vision on life, your own taste, your goals, love and appreciate the whole package even if the wrapping is not perfect. We live in a throw away society, as easily as we dispose of used cars, and other appliances, we dump relationships and loved ones. Singles who want to get married worry about making a first good impression, to dress in order to impress, to have chemistry, instant attraction, they want just to click by some magic power that is easy, wow, fantastic and fun.

Welcome to fantasy land ….Fantasies are not necessarily harmless. The shock of disillusionment can be very painful. You have to drill deep in order to strike pure water.

In the noisy confusion of life, remember to spread your wings, you are Jewish, different, and very special. Climb the mountain, follow the sun. The process might be unfamiliar, yet very rewarding and fulfilling.


“Don’t be afraid of the other person because he is different from you. There is far more in common between any two human beings than there are differences.

As for the differences, think of them as the hooks that hold us together. Differences are the thing we have most in common.”

From ‘Be within, stay above’- wisdom from the Rebbe.
By Tzvi Freeman

 


 

 

Lost in Egypt: Out of the Dating Puddle


There is a wonderful story of a poor farmer who lived under the rule of a miserable poritz in medieval Europe. The evil landowner provided minimal shelter in exchange for a large prtion of the farmer’s profits. The farmer and his wife toiled under the most severe conditions to support their family with a few chickens that laid eggs and a cow that gave milk.

Ultimately, time took its toll and hardship became the norm. The farmer and his wife had their bitter routine and never hoped for better.

One day, the farmer came back from the market quite upset. “What’s the matter?” cried out his wife. “You look as if the worst calamity has happened.” “It has,” sighed the anxious farmer. “They say in the market that Moshiach is coming. He will take us all to the land of Israel. What will be of our cow and our chickens? Where will we live? Who will provide shelter for us? Oy! What is going to be?”

His wife, who was steeped with faith in the Almighty, answered calmly. “Don’t worry my dear husband, the good Lord always protects His people. He saved us from Pharaoh in Egypt. He redeemed us from the evil Haman and has protected us from harsh decrees throughout our exile. No doubt, He will protect us from this Moshiach, too!”

Often in life, whether by choice or by chance, we enter into situations we ought not to be in. As time progresses, we get accustomed to the situation, and our worst enemy becomes change. We must tell the Pharaoh within each of us, “Let my people go!” Let us not continue on the comfortable path, but rather get on the correct one. It is your responsibility to make the change.

Many singles know what it is like to feel disillusioned, burned out, hurt from the dating experience, negative stereotypes, game playing, casual dating, shopping around, serious commitment phobia, being off the market and on the market.

Still there is a yearning to find the one, to know that you were meant for each other; to love and be loved unconditionally, to appreciate and be appreciated, and to make a real and meaningful connection.

 



 

A Purim Shpiel


A story attributed to Rabbi Meir Shapiro Zt”l puts the common dating system into perspective.

A sofer (scribe) who lived in Warsaw was trying to earn a living by selling Mezuzot and Tefillin. Somebody advised him, “People here have no money. Take your merchandise to Berlin, where wealthy people will pay you top German marks, and you will be able to make ends meet.”

So he packed up one hundred and fifty Mezuzot, traveled to Berlin and set up shop in the community selling his Mezuzot at 50 German marks a piece. People viewed it as a good luck charm, napping up the merchandise. In two or three hours he made a fortune…and had no Mezuzot. What a lost opportunity! Then he remembered that he had brought along a Megillah (Scroll of Esther read in synagogues on Purim and also written on parchment).

So he took his scissors, cut the Megillah into strips, rolled them up and began selling them as Mezuzot with great success. One of the purchasers decided to examine the inside of his Mezuzah. He opened it up and saw “VAYEZATA.” (The tenth of Haman’s sons) It struck him as strange so he decided to ask his Rabbiner.

“Rabbi, I bought a Mezuzah and it says “VAYEZATA.” “Is this what is meant to be written in a Mezuzah?”

The Rabbi responded, “That’s a very deep question. I will have to ponder over it.” He went into his study, removed the Mezuzah that he had just bought and unwrapped it. His Mezuzah said “PARSHANDATA” (the first of Haman’s sons) He returned and told his congregant: “Yes, if Parshandata is a Mezuzah, so is Vayezata a Mezuzah.”

The moral of the story is very relevant to our times and Jewish singles’ reality. Purim is not the Jewish Halloween. Hannukkah is not Chrismukah. A Mezuzah is not a lucky charm. Madonna did not invent Kabbalah. The Megillah cannot be cut into pieces. (It ain’t kosher!) The Shma (which is one paragraph of what is placed inside a Mezuzah) is the essence of Judaism.

Our life is like the Megillah; we are cut into pieces and are constantly pulled in different directions. In this process, we loose sight of our Jewish identity and its meaning and application to our everyday life. We forfeit connecting to other Jews and learning about our Jewish heritage which is full of Kedushah (holiness) and Bracha (blessings). It is based on loving-kindness, the love for Jewish people and the sanctity of marriage in Judaism.

Dating is a time of preparation towards marriage. Dating is a sacred process. When we see it as anything else, as the Mezuzah in the story was mistaken for a lucky charm, it looses its integrity and holiness. Real love is not falling in love. Dating is not marriage or commitment. Love is unconditional and real: it is seen through actions. It is not infatuation. It is not dependent upon looks, career, wealth and “clicking” with someone.

In a period where we see dating and relationship experts spring up at every corner, let us examine first where their advice comes from. What is the source of their relationship knowledge and love advice? Do their lives reflect what they teach others? Be true to your convictions and live a life of integrity; learn about your Jewish traditions, culture, religion and the roots of your beliefs.

Vive la difference! I wish you a happy Purim.

 


 

 

Attracting Love


These days there is a plethora of Jewish single men and women who are having difficulties finding their Bashert–soulmate. The overwhelming majority of these individuals are decent looking, intelligent and quite capable. The complexities of our generation make the task of connecting with one’s soulmate a frustrating and sometimes painful task.

Being a matchmaker since 1989 for the Jewish community, offering my services in person and online and building Jewish homes, I have identified some of the attitudes and behaviors that seem to be keys to get through the hurdles and obstacles.

“Love your neighbor as yourself” is a positive commandment that indicates that love can’t be an emotion, for one cannot command someone to feel love. Therefore love is an attainable, clearly defined goal, for which one must strive. You must first define your basic needs, dreams and hopes, listen to your soul, start loving yourself, so you are better qualified to love another person.

“I am capable of loving and worthy of being loved.” If you have trouble looking in the mirror of your soul and saying this statement in sincerity, you might find it nearly impossible to establish and maintain a loving, emotionally intimate and honest relationship. That is because you might always look to others to affirm even your basic worth and will be over-sensitive to any nuance of their non-affirmation. Moreover, without healthy self-esteem, it may be difficult to get out of a hurtful relationship.

When our Holy Torah teaches us “Love your neighbor as yourself,” it is telling us that loving others is dependent upon loving ourselves.

Remember that you are a lofty JEWISH NESHAMA, deserving of abundant love in life. Do whatever it takes now to begin the process of seeing yourself as a worthy person.

Healthy self-image and self worth (not to be confused with arrogance or self centeredness) are the foundation stones of healthy relationships.

Love is never outside ourselves, love is within us. Don’t insist that love comes immediately; perhaps you are not ready for it. Don’t settle for anybody, just to have someone. Set your standards. What kind of love do you want to attract?

List the qualities you want in a relationship. Develop those qualities in yourself and you will attract the person who has them”


— Louise L. Hay

 


 

 

Humanity and Warmth in the Wires


The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart.”
— Helen Keller

Our sages say that to find a mate is as difficult as the splitting of the Red Sea. For a person with a disability it can feel like mission-impossible. Each soul has another soul created by Hashem waiting for them to connect to each other.

Everyone deserves love and the right to be happy.”

Disabled men and woman are considered to be on a very high spiritual level. A great sage “The Chazon Ish” would stand up in reverence for these challenged persons when they would enter a room. He recognized that these men and women with challenges must be on the highest level since they obviously needed so much less, in order to actualize their potential.

Our mission to facilitate connections among Jewish singles with disabilities is based on our commitment to the Jewish tradition of “Tzedakah”.

Jewish Singles With Special Needs (www.jswsn.org)
makes a positive difference in the lives of Jewish singles that face many challenges. Our non-profit organization offers this service to the Jewish community completely free of charge.

As a result of our efforts Jewish singles with special needs are no longer alone. We help them to connect to each other, find their soul mate and build Jewish homes.

We need strength and courage to understand the infinite value of one lone Jew.

No Jew is too small,
No effort too big,
No result insignificant.”

— The Rebbe

 


 

 

Matchmaker, Matchmaker…


I am a twenty-first century Jewish cyberspace matchmaker believing in the importance of the personal touch. On our site you will find a huge reservoir of available men and women who are using the internet to find their soulmate. How do you make the transition from virtual reality to flesh and blood reality, how do you go from mouse to spouse?

Today’s new technology enables you to be in touch with anyone, anytime, anywhere. It is an open path to an easy and convenient way to finding your soulmate. I believe in putting back the human touch into our cyberspace community. Check out our Matchmaking Service for direction and take the extra step today towards finding your other-half.

Matchmaker, matchmaker, here take the mouse
Get me a match, find me a spouse.
Matchmaker, matchmaker, please surf the net
You will find me a match you bet.

As winter approaches and covers the land
The sun is so rare, out of sight.
You may wish to browse,
For a friend or a spouse
On the best Jewish Matchmaking site.

When it’s freezing and lonely and so very dark
And the days ain’t at all very bright
If you are warm in your house
But you are cold with no spouse,
Check our wonderful Jewish Dating site.

Our listings are great, and the pictures are fun
And your heart will most surely delight.
As you click with your mouse,
To discover your spouse,
Welcome friend to our Jewish site!


 

 

The Road to Success


Make room in your life for another- caught up in work and kids and commitments? How will you fit a new person in? Think before you jump in! And open the door to let them in!

Each date you go on is an opportunity for growth and learning. It is better to have tried and learned from the experience, than not to have tried at all. If you have loved and lost- pat yourself on the back for having loved at all, for having had the courage to try. Then pick up the pieces and try again. For having once loved, you have learned to be a better person, you have honed your skills, and you are ready for more.

Look your best- just like going for an interview. Dress your best, polish your shoes, floss and powder your nose, THEN go out on a date. It shows respect for the other person, and it shows you at your best.

Give your date a chance- give her/him your all, your attention and your care. If you date more than one person- your heart cannot be in it, for it is distant and detached. Give her/him a best possible run, and enjoy the ride for its lessons and its rewards.

Note the virtues of your partner. Don’t look for virtues- FIND them, and demonstrate your feelings clearly and openly. Appreciation is a good habit to get into.

Stop waiting for Prince Charming to sweep you off your feet. Focus on the man before you right now, as you would want him to focus on you.

Stop looking over her shoulder. You might think, as you sit with the woman before you, that just around the corner might be another woman more attractive, more intelligent, more refined. That may be true. But if you keep thinking that way, no woman will ever be good enough.

Count your partner’s virtues- it is good practice in preparing to enjoy increased blessings tomorrow in the company of a loved one.

Be humble and forgive- your imperfections and your date’s.

Get deep- it is easy to be an over materialistic, over physical, disposable, instant gratification type of person. It takes time and effort to allow a person to gradually show you how amazing they are. Chemistry and magic happen gradually. Let them blossom at their own pace.

Emotional intimacy comes from giving and from revelation. Go past the small-talk and open a window to your soul, and watch the bonds begin to strengthen. Be real, be you, be there, and your partner will be encouraged to share and to give as well.

Laugh. Smile. Lighten up, and stop analyzing so much! Love is not a cerebral exercise in conductivity- enjoy the moment and the company of your partner, the here and the now, and the future may just happen for you both. Enjoy each date, each human being you are honored and privileged to spend time with.

Be flexible. Mutual respect and admiration have away of bridging the gap, even when the gaps are seemingly insurmountable. Don’t discount a person because he/she doesn’t have the “right” education, or lives in the “wrong” city. Stop judging and stop looking for a “turn key” package to fall in your lap. Allow the other person to be at least as imperfect and dynamic as you are. Sometimes all it takes is to have a person believe in you, encourage you, and nurture you to be the best that you can be. Let them try in earnest.

Go to the type of events and places where you are likely to meet people of the “right” sort for you.

Learn your Red Lines and be clear about them. Learn to avoid the obvious “no go” situations and relationships. Learn to ask the right questions and find out if the person is even in the “ball park” for you. What are the values you share? Does the person have a history of dead end relationships? What are this person’s goals in dating? Has this person recently broken up from a serious relationship? Learn to spot the Red Flags- and spot the person who is ready, right, and available for you.

Give them a second chance- dated someone way back when? Wonder have they grown since then? Maybe former concerns are now moot. Spot the changes, slight though they may be. Who said you’ve always had 20/20 eye sight?…

Don’t panic at the first sign of trouble. Conflicts are natural and healthy- you are two distinct individuals with different experiences and perspectives, bringing different strengths and weaknesses. Friction is inevitable, but adjustments are not. Work on discovering the way to work through the differences, and you will have learned a life lesson. Handle with care and sensitivity- and clear the air for deeper understanding. Be supportive and compromising, be sensitive and patient, and work through the rough times so you will be there to enjoy the good times together. Make each conflict an opportunity for growth.

Communication, communication, communication. This is the entire book of love!

Life is a journey, a process, and love is a beginning. Together your partner and you will be complete, apart you are each an incomplete and evolving “list”. The idea is to grow together.

Move from a place of GETTING love, to a place of GIVING love- then step back and watch what happens…

Your friends have your best interests at heart- let them fix you up on dates, even if the “hit and miss” experience has you gasping for air. At least your friends are trying. We are all human, and all anyone can do is try. So spread the word that you are looking, and don’t give up till you meet the one and only, till you “hit and win”!

Seek help- if you know you have a problem, from commitment phobia to drinking, from fear of intimacy to being a workaholic- seek help now. Do what it takes to get yourself into the best shape for a healthy self and a healthy relationship.

 


 

 

How to Best Use Online Dating


Visit the site often- new people join in daily, and the site is dynamic and exciting. Remember: you gotta be in it to win it!

Love is a numbers game- increase your odds by corresponding with a number of people.

Send lots of messages. The more you send, the more you will receive. The more action, the greater the reaction. You will be able to afford to be selective!!!

Give people time to get the nerve up to respond to you. It may take them some time. Be patient and courteous, then write again.

Respond to any interesting message- you never know, it could just be THE ONE.

Wait with the “vital statistics”- correspond with members using the safety features of the site. Your e-mail and phone numbers can wait till you are better acquainted.

Never judge a book by its cover- unless you are willing to submit to the same test yourself.

Throw away those lists. You are complex: a dynamic, changing, growing, and evolving person, with emotional, intellectual, and social contradictions. Why should your partner be a laundry list of perfections?

Do what your mother taught you: always treat other people the way you want to be treated.

When receiving a message in response to your ad, always remember to be cool and polite. Say thanks even if you think the person is not for you.

Just because someone is not right for you, doesn’t mean they don’t have feelings. No one enjoys rejection. Be gracious and kind, be tactful and sensitive at all times. Call back or write back in a few days, even if only to say “I don’t think we are right for each other, but I think you’re really special and I wish you the very best”. Whatever your style- at all times be a ‘Mentch’. It makes for a gentler, kinder singles’ community… Besides, the person who is not right for you, may just introduce you to the person who is most right for you!

Go back for a second look at your “maybe” list- members update their photos and add new information all the time. Something new may catch your eye and your heart.

Look away- don’t be afraid to explore opportunities outside your geographic area. Many people out there are willing to relocate for the right person.

Open your mind and expand it, to welcome birds of a different feather. All you really need is THE ONE, and it could be a different one…

Be flexible. Mutual respect and admiration have away of bridging the gap, even when the gaps are seemingly insurmountable. Don’t discount a person because he/she doesn’t have the “right” education, or lives in the “wrong” city. Stop judging and stop looking for a “turn key” package to fall in your lap. Allow the other person to be at least as imperfect and dynamic as you are. Sometimes all it takes is to have a person believe in you, encourage you, and nurture you to be the best that you can be. Let them try in earnest.

Use the Advanced Search option to seek out people who share your interest. You could break the ice by discovering mutual interests, and it’s so much more fun that way.

Gone from blondes to brunettes? Update your profile!
Discovered bowling can be fun? Update your profile!
Fell out of step in your square dancing? Update your profile!
Let them know what you are looking for- so they may find you in the crowd.

 


 

 

You Are Special, Unique and Different


Smile at the world and the world will smile back at you. Smile in your picture and in your messages, and you’ll be surprised to get so many smiles in return.

Let your qualities shine through- talk about them honestly. You are special, unique, and different- count the ways out loud.

Be honest now and forever hold back pretence. It will save you time, effort, and embarrassments a-plenty.

Be clear and be direct. What is important to you about yourself, about others, about relationships? Stand up and be counted. You never get a second chance to make a first impression!

Tell them all what really makes you laugh. Everybody has a sense of humor- but not everybody has YOUR sense of humor!

Write about yourself in detail- talk about your interests and hobbies, your achievements and goals. People will read on if they see something they like.

God is in the details - the more the merrier. Lots of people enjoy movies, but not so many enjoy the movies YOU enjoy. Give your Style away!

Are you seeking real love? Companionship? A date for graduation? Be honest and clear about your goals, share them openly- better now than later!

Speak your mind: some people will not like what you say, but it will save you the time and effort of dealing with those people in the first place.

When writing your profile- be yourself- let them know who you are for real. Don’t put “make up” on your words.

Use a current picture. Don’t use your 1979 picture because you looked better then- that’s a BIG no no… even if you had better hair days then…

Please share with us your thoughts, wisdom and experiences.

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